I consider myself to be an active observer. I don’t take many things at face value. I try to analyze just about everything I see and everything I hear. The reason why, is that there are a lot of dishonest people out there and if you’re not on your toes then you stand a likely chance of being deceived or otherwise taken advantage of.
Even though I made the decision to become a motivational speaker a while before having made the decision to become a writer, the truth is I am a lot more comfortable with a pen in my hand than I am with a microphone in my face. I love writing because there is no better way to release my feelings and then either learn from or be held accountable for my words.
When I first released Find A Way, many of those who bought a copy said things like “I can’t even begin to think about how to write a book.” Many of those who declined to buy a copy said things like, “I can’t find the time to read.” Now it’s just my nature that when someone tells me that they “can’t do something, I am compelled to ask them why can’t they do it. The short answer is usually, “I don’t know,” and the long answers usually consist of a laundry list of useless excuses that I really don't want to waste time listening to.
Now as I said, I read into the words that people use. It takes effort, time and practice – but if you were to learn to apply yourself to learning how to read people, you can develop the ability to tell a person’s true intentions by what they say. Sometimes you can take a statement at face value, but trust me, it is an amazing thing to be able to read a person by how and what they say. Ironically, there are times when people say exactly what they mean when they least expect it.
Let’s examine the first response I mentioned, “I can’t even begin to think about how to write a book.” The most important part of that statement is the first half of it: “I – CAN’T – EVEN – BEGIN – TO – THINK.” Now, that is a proclamation of accepting a foundation for failure if I ever heard one! Our brains start running even before we are born and they don’t stop until we die. As a matter of fact, even if everything else in our bodies is working fine; if through the result of some kind of trauma your brain dies, then you are dead … “brain dead.” Sadly, there are many people walking around who are "brain dead," but without the trauma.
Within reason there is not much that we as a species “can’t” do. The word “can’t” is a mysteriously powerful word because it has the power to stop anyone from doing anything. The reality is, when a person tells himself or herself that they “can’t” do something, there’s a 99.999% chance that they “won’t” do it, and when someone has declared that they “won’t” do something that remaining .001% is locked in and; if left completely up to them, they don’t do it.
So when someone says they “can’t” do something, it is more likely that than not that what they are in fact doing is creating for themselves a false sense of security that insulates them from having to have the courage to say they “won’t” do something. In short, they are afraid to be honest with both themselves and you and tell you that they just won’t do a given thing.
Think about it … “I CAN’T FIND THE TIME …” We only get 24 hours in a day – no matter where you are on the planet; and since that’s not likely to change anytime soon, what that person is really saying is, “I won’t find the time.”
When I asked one Lieutenant if he would buy a copy of Find A Way, he told me flat out, “If it’s not on the list of books for the Captain’s exam, I’m not reading it. I don’t have the time for recreational reading.” Now, on the surface, one might take that as a rejection. But taking his words at face value, I felt no such rejection. You see, this man was focused on a particular goal and his decisions revolved around that goal. Because he was actively allocating whatever may have been deemed to be “free time” towards reading only the literature that will aid him in his goal of being promoted to the rank of Captain, he in fact can’t, won’t and does not have the time for “recreational reading.”
Think of every modern convenience you enjoy and ask yourself if you would be enjoying them if the inventors of those conveniences had succumbed to the word “can’t?” think of every successful thing you’ve ever done and ask yourself where would you be if you had convinced yourself you couldn’t do it. There is very little we “can’t” do, within reason, but then a great many accomplishments were achieved by people who decided they were going to be unreasonable in achieving their goals. When you tell yourself and or others that you “can’t,” what you are really telling yourself and them is that you “won’t.” It’s a disguise, a cloak … no … it’s a sham. Again, think about this the next time you find yourself saying or being told, “I can’t find the time.”
“'Can’t' is nothing more than a coat that ‘won’t’ wears inside our minds to falsely justify and provide an excuse for the self-imposed imprisonment of our own true potential” (HSRjr.)
Anyone is capable of anything if the payoff is great enough. People take action when they believe and feel they have to. There are only two factors that determine how hot the flame under their bottom is going to be: reward & punishment. In other words, people can and will when they are faced with having to either maximize their reward, or minimize/avoid punishment.
The next time someone tells you they “can’t” do something; first understand that he or she is telling you that they won’t do it. Next, if circumstances allow, ask them two questions:
1. Why can’t they do it?
2. What would it take to make them be able to do it?
Make a conscious effort to ask yourself these questions the next time you find yourself saying “I can’t.” Face yourself and determine if it is something you are actually incapable of or just something you are unwilling to do? As you travel along on your journey, before you become capable of reading other people, you must first learn to read yourself. You have to be able to find your flaws and face them. You have to be able to have a sense of clarity about who you are, and why you do what you do – or don’t do. There’s an old African proverb that goes, “If there’s no enemy within, the enemy without can do you no harm.”
Surprise! You’re at the end of the chapter. Don’t be surprised that this is the shortest chapter in the book. Words like “can’t” and “won’t” are soul-sucking and life draining words and I do not care to spend much time focusing on them.
One evening while helping my (then 8 year old) niece, Bryanna with her homework, she got frustrated and told me, “I can’t do it Uncle Harold.” When I asked her why she couldn’t do it she told me because it was hard. I tried to explain to her the fundamentals behind the concept of “hard” not equating to “impossible” but then I remembered that I was talking to an 8 year old – at which time I simply said, “repeat after me … ‘I CAN’T SAY - I CAN’T’.”
At that point, I let her take a ten minute break from her homework and then we went right back to work and I showed her a different way to solve her problem; a way that she was then able to better understand. The most important lesson I taught her was not about her homework. It was about overcoming obstacles. I taught her, as I am teaching you, that when you come across a particular obstacle, it does not necessarily have to be an insurmountable one. However, when you tell yourself “I can’t” you are giving yourself permission to say “I won’t,” and I wasn’t willing to let her precious strong mind fall victim to that monster so early in her life.
We are capable of doing miraculous things with just the right amount of instruction, motivation and faith, and just because you might not be able to do a particular thing now that does not mean that you are forever incapable of doing it … unless you quit. In my book … this one as well as in Find A Way, quitting – like failure – is not an option. Those who say they “can’t,” (succeed) won’t (succeed), and those who won’t (succeed) … don’t (succeed).
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