Pick Your Battles, but Battle to Win! ©

The year 1995 was a very pivotal growing point in my life and on my journey. I was on my quest towards my career in Law Enforcement, and since nothing was panning out in New Jersey, my mother – who had moved to South Carolina after my grandmother’s passing – suggested I try applying for the Charleston Police Department. For now, I’ll just give you the Reader’s Digest version and say that things did not work out down there and I decided to return to New Jersey and go back to the old drawing board.

What is important is that I learned a whole lot and became a much better man because of that experience. You see, I knew what I wanted to be, but I had never been “tested.” I had never had people actively interfere and conspire to stand in the way of me achieving my goals. Even back in New Jersey, I could just say it was all about red tape and politics, but in Charleston, I could put faces to the game that was being played on me.

In retrospect, I realized that I had faced what they call “institutionalized racism” head-on when the Training Sergeant told me, “Reed, you gotta’ learn how to play by the rules.” Seeing it as how I had never violated any “documented” policies, I realized that the “rules” I violated were those involving me not staying in my place. I have always had a good time whenever I went down South, but there’s a big difference between going “down South” for a visit, and moving down to live in the “Deep South,” and the “Deep South” is still very much racist in a great many areas.

In 1992, Spike Lee made a movie entitled “X.” in brilliant fashion, Denzel Washington played the part of Malcolm Little; later known as “Detroit Red;” later known as “Satan;” later known as Malcolm X, and finally known as El Hajj Malik-El Shabazz – one of the greatest leaders black people in the United States have ever had. By the time this movie came out, I had already read The Autobiography of Malcolm X twice – the first time being when I was in the eighth grade.

Spike Lee (along with a bunch of bootleggers) made a mint selling all kinds of “X” paraphernalia. T-shirts, bags, back-packs, medallions, posters … you name it – if you could put an “X” on it someone was selling it.

One of the most intriguing sights I ever saw while I was living in South Carolina was a bumper sticker bearing a confederate flag and under it, “You wear your 'X' & I’ll wear mine!” I remember chuckling when I first saw it, but I also remember giving that unknown driver a mental note of respect. That guy could have been a card-carrying member of the Ku-Klux Klan, but he had my respect because I knew where he stood.

One of life’s realities is that we, as God’s imperfect little children, have never – and will not likely ever agree on everything; however, there is more honor in knowing who your enemy is and being able to either face him or know his intentions rather than dealing with those who would smile in your face, all the while plotting your very downfall at the first available opportunity.

In my dealings with that Training Sergeant in South Carolina, when everything came to a head, I was ordered to a meeting with the Chief of Police. I was ordered to bring every piece of equipment they issued me, for surely upon the completion of that meeting, I would be fired. I spent the entire weekend preparing for that meeting, and upon completion of that meeting, I did not lose my job. I stood my ground, I kept my composure, and I had won. My father had flown to Charleston for what was supposed to be my graduation from the police academy.

In dealing with the fact that I was not going to be graduating, he told me something that capsulated my entire experience up to that point. He told me I had to learn when and how to choose which battles were worth fighting. With that I began to reflect upon my experiences in the preceding months and how they lead up to my present state of affairs at that time, and how they could have and eventually wound up affecting my future.

I took into consideration the lengths that certain people had gone through to have me removed from the police academy and get me fired – even though I was amongst the top 5% of my class. I asked myself, “If this is what they’ll do to keep me from getting my foot in the door, what might they be capable of if I actually get in?”

My father’s words came back to me about learning how and when to choose my battles. I had won a couple of battles, but I was clearly able to see just how deep the deck was stacked against me, and I made the determination that I would be better off returning to New Jersey. The fact that you have this book in your hands is proof that I made the right decision.

Even though it took me another five years from that point before I achieved my goal of becoming a police officer, I learned so much from that experience in South Carolina that I cannot even be mad about it! I learned so much from that particular part of my journey that I truly have a deep appreciation for my career and all it allowed me to have and do – both for myself as well as for others.

As you continue on your journey, you will find that there will be people you encounter whose sole purpose will be to sway you from your focus. Depending on what goals you’re trying to accomplish, there are a variety of ways you can deal with the situation. Like the falling snow, no two situations may be the same.

I have never learned how to play the game of chess, but I do understand it to be a game of strategy. I do know enough about the game to know that more often than not the winner is the one who is better and more adept at both executing his own strategy as well as anticipating his or her opponent’s strategy. Good players know just how many moves it will take for them to win by anticipating their opponent’s strategies while executing their own – a lot of times within the first two or three moves that are made within a given game. Life is no different. From Sun Tzu to Donald Trump, the most successful people throughout all of history have been those who strategize, plan ahead, and execute.

Be Bigger

Conflict ... Some people thrive on conflict. These people are not happy unless they are causing someone else some form of misery. The reason for this is at their core, they themselves are miserable, and like the saying goes – “misery loves company.” Now I would not go so far as to say that I have been a miserable person, but I have fed into the misery at different times in my life.

Most people in their various careers and lifestyles go through their daily activities exposed to little or no misery. Granted, we all have our own personal trials and tribulations we must endure in our life’s journeys, but imagine being in a vocation that requires you to witness everyone else’s trials and tribulations every day and then still have to go home and deal with your own. It’s very easy to fall victim to not just misery, but flat out clinical depression if you are not secure in your own peace of mind.


What do most people do if they feel they are being attacked; or at the very least, offended? They counter-attack or offend in retaliation, but my question to you is, what has been gained in the exchange? What else other than a passing feeling of satisfaction in being able to say, “Well, I told him,” or “I gave her a piece of my mind?” that’s nothing but false pride right there. In actuality, you have gained nothing.

Not only does the initial conflict remain, but by your- counter-attack you have only fanned the flames of that conflict making it grow in size. Furthermore, what did you get in return in exchange for you giving the other person a piece of your mind? Chances are you got absolutely nothing of any equal value. Can any of us afford to “give away” pieces of our minds in exchange for nothing?

I remember having a long conversation with one of my closest friends who is a Corrections Officer. He was telling me all about how there were certain people on his job that he didn’t get along with, and how much he did not mind telling them how much he did not care for them. I advised him to just be cool as well as careful about how he addressed and responded to those particular co-workers. You see, one of the lessons I learned from my experience in South Carolina is that you don’t know who knows who and how well they get along.

When I was in South Carolina I debated an issue with one of my instructors and had clearly made my point while neutralizing hers. I felt good about myself and having proved my point, but at the same time, I humiliated her in front of the entire class. I later found out that she was the one who was an old friend of the Training Sergeant who pulled me out of the police academy.

She had a couple words with him; and he in turn made a phone call to the Chief of Police, who in turn gave the order to have me removed from the academy. Now I don’t know whether or not my friend followed my advice about holding his tongue, but about four months after we had that conversation, he got suspended because a prisoner got jumped and injured in an area that was supposed to be under his surveillance.

Somehow, he was peculiarly assigned to a post that was supposed to be manned by two or more officers; however, he was assigned alone. Basically, he was held responsible for not being able to be in two places at the same time. What more than likely happened was that somebody he had told off probably went to someone they were friends with and conveniently set him up under the guise of being understaffed in that area. He fought his suspension and eventually won back his lost pay and seniority. He was actually rather proud of his victory.

Now, I hated having to be a “Bubble-Buster,” but there was no other way for the lesson to get across; so I said to my friend: “Granted, you got your money back, but you didn’t win anything. All you got was what was rightfully yours in the first place. Look back at how hard your family had to struggle while you were out of work. Think back on those spats you had with your wife, knowing in your heart they were all just because you guys were frustrated. While you were enduring those burdens, the people who set you up were laughing at you” (… just like that instructor had the last laugh at my expense).

Another thing that both of my parents told me as I was “enduring” my ordeal in South Carolina was, “You’ve got to learn how to play the game.” Although it sounds similar to what that sergeant said about “following the rules,” whereas he was covertly telling me that I should stay in a (N-word’s) place, my parents were teaching me about the importance of tempering my emotions and controlling my tongue.

Now granted, there are times when it’s best to lay low and humble and bide your time, but there are also times when you must stand your ground. If you must take someone on, go all out. There are times for being kind and forgiving; however, it goes against everything that is logical for one to just allow him or herself to be a willing victim. Now I’m not going to get all deep into some kind of morally judgmental diatribe, but what I will say, is that the path of success is chock-full of people who are out to get you and take you out. After all, they too, are on journeys of their own and they may have an entirely different definition of success with a whole different set of rules regarding getting there. Either you are in their way or they see you as a potential threat and believe you have to be taken out. If what you want is that important to you ... stand your ground!

Now by no means am I advocating violence in any way to achieve your objectives or in defending yourself against non-violent attacks against your character or career. What I am saying is that there are times when you must take a stand so that others see that you are not one to be messed with, and other times when the best revenge you could have is to fall back and do nothing, I always say that in the end God don’t like ugly & karma is a mean S.O.B.!

As you travel on your journey you’re going to have to realize that there are all kinds of wolves in sheep's clothing out there. You are going to have to learn how to see them before they see you. You are going to have to learn how to avoid them if possible, and engage them if necessary.

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L.I.S.P.: Learn, Implement, Succeed, Profess ©

LEARN: Educate yourself. This is the beginning of all forms of success. The only thing you can succeed at without knowing anything is failure.

When I was a child, there was an educational program that I was heavily involved in. It was called the "Bookmobile." A couple of times throughout the school year a bus would come to my school and it would be filled with books. My mother would look over the list of books that was sent home a week or so prior to the Bookmobile's arrival, and together we would pick out a couple of books that I would get. My mother would then have me not only read those books, but also write book reports ... for her!

Reading was never a problem for me. Growing up, I really could not understand how some of my friends could not read well - and some at all. Truth be told, even as an adult it bothers me to see other adults who read and write like grade schoolers. I've always enjoyed reading as a recreational activity; however, ever since 2005 reading has become more of a self-educational mandate. I have to read in order to succeed.

When I made the decision to become a professional speaker, the first question I asked myself was "What do you have to say?" The next question I asked myself was, "What's it based on - how are you gonna' back it up?" The answer for me was to commit myself to reading because it would broaden my ideas and views.

You can succeed at almost anything you set your mind to, but it's not going to come to you just because you want it. Whatever it is you want to do, you're going to have to learn how to do it. Whether you teach yourself or take some kind of formal training, the first step towards succeeding is learning. 

In many trades, you're not considered a "professional" unless you served as an apprentice for a period of time. Donald Trump had a #1 television show named just that, "The Apprentice." On this show, a group of young hardworking businesspeople would compete for an opportunity to work for and learn from Donald Trump.

As I said in the beginning, reading is my primary source of learning. As a speaker and Life Coach, my messages are focus on the opportunities people have or must create in order to improve themselves. The books I read contain centuries' worth of wisdom. The information contained within those books provide all of the tools necessary to make life better. However, before I can give that information to my audiences and readers, I have to validate it to some extent myself. This leads me to the next rung on this ladder.

IMPLEMENT: In 1998, when I was 18, I bought a book entitled "UNLIMITED POWER" by Anthony Robbins. I bought the book because I was moved by an infomercial I saw late one night. I read the first few pages; after which I put the book down, not to pick it up again until some ten years later. At 28 years old, I read that book from cover to cover, and in those pages I learned lessons that - had they been learned and applied at 18, I would have saved myself a whole lot of grief!

When I read that book, I was going through a few things, so I also picked up a couple of other books; "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie and "Think & Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill. The lessons I learned in those books changed my life; not just because I read those books, but because I implemented those lessons and effected changes in my life.

I learned how to change my moods and formulate positive outlooks, how to deal with all kinds of people, and how to see people for who they are - especially in spite of how they think they may be portraying themselves. In a short period of time, I began to see changes take effect, both within myself and in those around me.

There's a saying that goes, "If you don't use it, you're guaranteed to lose it." What good is served by not taking advantage of using what you have learned? This is why if learning is the first step towards success, implementation is the very next one. You have to use what you have learned in order to prove or disprove its effectiveness in your life. This brings me to a very important point; that being, you are not bound to the path you're on. You are allowed to change your mind.

There are two reasons why people say and believe that politicians lie. One reason is that many of them do, and the other reason is because people delude themselves into believing that what is said today is going to be what they will hold the politician to for his or her entire term.

For example, a politician - while campaigning may say something like he won't raise taxes and get elected because of having taken that position. Two years into his term, his constituents complain about things like rising crime rates and the quality of sanitation throughout the city. 

They also want a summer jobs program for teenagers so that they're doing something constructive over the summer. How does the city government pay for more cops & their necessary equipment, more garbage-men and their necessary equipment and that jobs program? They might have to raise taxes. Now, is that politician a liar for now having to tell the people in order to get what they want their taxes are going to have to go up? I don't think so ... but that's just me.

I use that as an example to show that there are times when you must realize there may come a time when you will have to change course. The only way you'll be able to rightfully make that determination is by implementing what you have learned and seeing what works versus what doesn't work.

When you see what works for you, you know you can keep going with it and even improve upon it. When you see what doesn't work, you can evaluate it and determine if what you're doing can be repaired by making minor changes or if it needs to be replaced entirely by making greater changes. What is the act that allows you to make that determination either way? Implementation.

SUCCEED: This is ultimately what happens when you put in the work necessary to learn your craft and implement the skills you've learned. One of the things I have learned in my studies is that those who are successful got there by doing all of the right things; however, they learned how to do all of the right things by having done many of the wrong things.

Success is more than everything going all well and hunky-dory. Success does not come easy, nor is it supposed to. Success is not a destination to be reached; rather it is a series of accomplishments to be appreciated while on this journey we call "life." Success exists to show us what's possible when we do good works.

I have a confession to make. I have this guilty pleasure of watching all kinds of reality shows. The reality of this genre of "reality T.V." is that it is anything but reality. How is someone surprised to see who's on the other side of the door when there are cameramen in place on both sides of the door? 

In any case, the types of shows I watch are the ones featuring celebrities or rich people. I kind of study them. I can watch some of these shows and tell who has actually earned their money, and who just caught a lucky break. All in all, I like seeing how people who have money handle their money.

I always encounter people who talk about how unimportant money is when it comes to having a good life. Now, I will stipulate that it is very important to have loving relationships and spiritual fulfillment, but if I have to choose between having those things living in an apartment or a in a nice house; taking the bus or driving a car, and either feeling nothing but my thigh when I reach into my pocket or being able to reach in and pull out a money clip holding a couple hundred dollars ... I'm going to take the latter choice every day of the week and twice on Sunday!

Many people who talk the most about money not being important don't have much of it and are not willing to (1) learn or improve their skills, and (2) implement or put that knowledge to work. Because of this, they do not get to partake in (3) the success. Now for me, I have no problem seeing money and all of the good I can do with it as a measure of success; but again, that's just me! 

Ultimately, success comes when you do what you do well and it not only shows, but it rewards you. The "rewards" are reflective of whatever your endeavoring to succeed at and does not have to be about money.

Finally, I want to share with you why I believe many people choose not to learn, implement, and thus succeed. Many will tell you that they don't put forth "x" amount of effort because they don't want to fail. No offense, but that's just a load of crap. No - seriously, that's a cop-out and I'm not going to accept it.

People don't strive to succeed because they're afraid of failing; they fail to strive because they're afraid of succeeding. You see, learning takes work. Implementing is work; and while success is a manifestation of a job well done, once achieved it has to be maintained - otherwise it was just a fluke, a stroke of blind luck. 

Additionally, in order to succeed even further, it's going to take even more learning, even more implementation ... even more work! You see, becoming successful takes work. Staying and becoming more successful takes more work. So I submit to you that people aren't afraid of failure. They're afraid of succeeding because of the work involved in achieving, maintaining and ascending even higher.

PROFESS: Now almost every other week, someone comes to me asking how they can go about getting their book published. What's funny to me is that when I began my journey as a writer, I didn't really have anyone I knew whom I could ask for advice. 

There was one guy on my MySpace buddy list (yeah ... that's how far back I'm going) who pointed me in the direction of the company I chose to self-publish the first edition of my book. In any case, I don't mind passing on what I have learned. If it serves to make the next person's path a little easier to travel then I am fulfilling a valuable service while on my journey.

The best thing you can do for another human being is to teach him or her something. Pass on your knowledge. It can be showing someone what to do and how to do it, or even showing someone what not to do. Many tactics used by police around the country and around the world stem from having learned from a previous tragedy. 

When you profess what you have been able to accomplish, you show people all throughout the world what's possible for them. Anyone can become successful at just about anything if they first believe it to be possible. Sometimes a little bit of faith is all it takes. 

As long as you have something to learn, you have something to teach. After all, what are teachers in college called? PROFESSors ... Professors teach what they have learned. When something good happens to you, it is human nature that you "profess" your good fortune. Even when something bad happens and you share that experience as a warning, you are "professing."

If a man gets taken to the cleaners in a divorce, he professes that experience to someone who is about to get married and advises the person to get a prenuptial agreement. Something I always say to people is, "If you see me scraping dog-mess off my shoe and I tell you to watch your step, are you going to go marching blindly into the area to find out for yourself or are you going to take my word for it?" Yeah, the visual is graphic, but it's equally effective.

There's a program used in prisons all over the country to attempt to keep at-risk youth out of the prison system. It goes by many different names, but the first one was and is still called "Scared Straight," and was started at East Jersey State Prison in New Jersey. The way it works is simple. A group of teenagers are taken to the prison and shown what goes on inside, but this ain't no ordinary tour!

The reason why is because the "tour guides" are the inmates ... convicted felons who are serving anywhere from a few years up to multiple life sentences. These are people who are using the L.I.S.P. formula to the max! How you might ask? Well let's examine that. Many of them:

LEARNED how to break the law.

IMPLEMENTED what they learned to keep on breaking the law.

They SUCCEEDED at breaking the law (until they got caught).

And now they PROFESS their experiences; past and present, to the youth with the hope that they will be "SCARED STRAIGHT."

If you've never seen the documentary of the same name, let me tell you that for the most part it's highly effective. In fact, I would say it's as effective today as it was when it was filmed in the 1978.

The L.I.S.P. formula serves a variety of purposes. It improves you and allows you to improve those around you. It has been employed for centuries all around the world. It has even been used in your family. If you used what you learned from the experiences shared with you by your parents; then created and endured your own experiences, and then taught or presently teach your children accordingly, then you are knee-deep in the use of the formula ... as were your parents and their parents before them.

If you are looking for a way to improve your life, this is it. It doesn't matter how you want to better yourself; nor does it matter in which area you want to improve your life, this formula works! It's become a way of life for me, and can be for you as well; however, as with everything else in life, in order for the formula to work ... you are going to have to work! As Jack Canfield says in and about his book, The Success Principles, "The principles work, but only if you work them." 

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Can't vs. Won't ©

I consider myself to be an active observer. I don’t take many things at face value. I try to analyze just about everything I see and everything I hear. The reason why, is that there are a lot of dishonest people out there and if you’re not on your toes then you stand a likely chance of being deceived or otherwise taken advantage of.

Even though I made the decision to become a motivational speaker a while before having made the decision to become a writer, the truth is I am a lot more comfortable with a pen in my hand than I am with a microphone in my face. I love writing because there is no better way to release my feelings and then either learn from or be held accountable for my words.

When I first released Find A Way, many of those who bought a copy said things like “I can’t even begin to think about how to write a book.” Many of those who declined to buy a copy said things like, “I can’t find the time to read.” Now it’s just my nature that when someone tells me that they “can’t do something, I am compelled to ask them why can’t they do it. The short answer is usually, “I don’t know,” and the long answers usually consist of a laundry list of useless excuses that I really don't want to waste time listening to.

Now as I said, I read into the words that people use. It takes effort, time and practice – but if you were to learn to apply yourself to learning how to read people, you can develop the ability to tell a person’s true intentions by what they say. Sometimes you can take a statement at face value, but trust me, it is an amazing thing to be able to read a person by how and what they say. Ironically, there are times when people say exactly what they mean when they least expect it.

Let’s examine the first response I mentioned, “I can’t even begin to think about how to write a book.” The most important part of that statement is the first half of it: “I – CAN’T – EVEN – BEGIN – TO – THINK.” Now, that is a proclamation of accepting a foundation for failure if I ever heard one! Our brains start running even before we are born and they don’t stop until we die. As a matter of fact, even if everything else in our bodies is working fine; if through the result of some kind of trauma your brain dies, then you are dead … “brain dead.” Sadly, there are many people walking around who are "brain dead," but without the trauma.

Within reason there is not much that we as a species “can’t” do. The word “can’t” is a mysteriously powerful word because it has the power to stop anyone from doing anything. The reality is, when a person tells himself or herself that they “can’t” do something, there’s a 99.999% chance that they “won’t” do it, and when someone has declared that they “won’t” do something that remaining .001% is locked in and; if left completely up to them, they don’t do it.

So when someone says they “can’t” do something, it is more likely that than not that what they are in fact doing is creating for themselves a false sense of security that insulates them from having to have the courage to say they “won’t” do something. In short, they are afraid to be honest with both themselves and you and tell you that they just won’t do a given thing.

Think about it … “I CAN’T FIND THE TIME …” We only get 24 hours in a day – no matter where you are on the planet; and since that’s not likely to change anytime soon, what that person is really saying is, “I won’t find the time.”

When I asked one Lieutenant if he would buy a copy of Find A Way, he told me flat out, “If it’s not on the list of books for the Captain’s exam, I’m not reading it. I don’t have the time for recreational reading.” Now, on the surface, one might take that as a rejection. But taking his words at face value, I felt no such rejection. You see, this man was focused on a particular goal and his decisions revolved around that goal. Because he was actively allocating whatever may have been deemed to be “free time” towards reading only the literature that will aid him in his goal of being promoted to the rank of Captain, he in fact can’t, won’t and does not have the time for “recreational reading.”

Think of every modern convenience you enjoy and ask yourself if you would be enjoying them if the inventors of those conveniences had succumbed to the word “can’t?” think of every successful thing you’ve ever done and ask yourself where would you be if you had convinced yourself you couldn’t do it. There is very little we “can’t” do, within reason, but then a great many accomplishments were achieved by people who decided they were going to be unreasonable in achieving their goals. When you tell yourself and or others that you “can’t,” what you are really telling yourself and them is that you “won’t.” It’s a disguise, a cloak … no … it’s a sham. Again, think about this the next time you find yourself saying or being told, “I can’t find the time.”

“'Can’t' is nothing more than a coat that ‘won’t’ wears inside our minds to falsely  justify and provide an excuse for the self-imposed imprisonment of our own true potential” (HSRjr.)

Anyone is capable of anything if the payoff is great enough. People take action when they believe and feel they have to. There are only two factors that determine how hot the flame under their bottom is going to be: reward & punishment. In other words, people can and will when they are faced with having to either maximize their reward, or minimize/avoid punishment.

The next time someone tells you they “can’t” do something; first understand that he or she is telling you that they won’t do it. Next, if circumstances allow, ask them two questions:

1. Why can’t they do it?
2. What would it take to make them be able to do it?

Make a conscious effort to ask yourself these questions the next time you find yourself saying “I can’t.” Face yourself and determine if it is something you are actually incapable of or just something you are unwilling to do? As you travel along on your journey, before you become capable of reading other people, you must first learn to read yourself. You have to be able to find your flaws and face them. You have to be able to have a sense of clarity about who you are, and why you do what you do – or don’t do. There’s an old African proverb that goes, “If there’s no enemy within, the enemy without can do you no harm.”

Surprise! You’re at the end of the chapter. Don’t be surprised that this is the shortest chapter in the book. Words like “can’t” and “won’t” are soul-sucking and life draining words and I do not care to spend much time focusing on them.

One evening while helping my (then 8 year old) niece, Bryanna with her homework, she got frustrated and told me, “I can’t do it Uncle Harold.” When I asked her why she couldn’t do it she told me because it was hard. I tried to explain to her the fundamentals behind the concept of “hard” not equating to “impossible” but then I remembered that I was talking to an 8 year old – at which time I simply said, “repeat after me … ‘I CAN’T SAY  - I CAN’T’.”

At that point, I let her take a ten minute break from her homework and then we went right back to work and I showed her a different way to solve her problem; a way that she was then able to better understand. The most important lesson I taught her was not about her homework. It was about overcoming obstacles. I taught her, as I am teaching you, that when you come across a particular obstacle, it does not necessarily have to be an insurmountable one. However, when you tell yourself “I can’t” you are giving yourself permission to say “I won’t,” and I wasn’t willing to let her precious strong mind fall victim to that monster so early in her life.

We are capable of doing miraculous things with just the right amount of instruction, motivation and faith, and just because you might not be able to do a particular thing now that does not mean that you are forever incapable of doing it … unless you quit. In my book … this one as well as in Find A Way, quitting – like failure – is not an option. Those who say they “can’t,” (succeed) won’t (succeed), and those who won’t (succeed) … don’t (succeed).

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Q: W.I.F.F.M.? (What's In It For Me?) A: You Get What You Deserve ©

Kyam McMorris is one of my closest friends, and also one of my closest brothers within Groove Phi Groove Social Fellowship Inc®. In our college days we called each other “wingmen,” which was taken from the movie TOP GUN when Tom Cruise’s character was told, “You never leave your wingman.” Up until he left New Jersey, Kyam and I were practically inseparable. We stood by one another at each other's weddings and I even stood by him during his divorce. Few people know what the words friendship and loyalty mean. Kyam is one of those people who do Kyam also has an extremely disciplined work ethic. When people tell me that I work too hard, I always have a silent inside laugh because Kyam does little else but work.

Back in 1996, I had a job as a Program Director for one of a small chain of karate schools called “Master Glazier Karate (MGK).” “MGK” was later bought out by an even larger chain, “Tiger Schulmann’s Karate (TSK).” Prior to, and for a short time after TSK’s takeover, my job as Program Director was to enroll students and oversee the operation of the school. I got Kyam a job as an Office Manager, which under the surface of the title was nothing more than a receptionist and housekeeper. However, I wanted more for Kyam, and since he wanted more for himself, I began training him on how to do my job so that he could have a chance to move up in the organization.

This job required about twelve hours a day Monday through Friday and about eight hours on Saturday (including travel time), but since we were actually enjoying our jobs and getting free karate lessons, the hours were not really taxing on us.

Things were really going great and Kyam was learning so quickly that he was allowed to sit in on the weekly Program Director meetings with the CEO, “Shihan” Mark Glazier (“Shihan” is the title bestowed upon one who has achieved the rank of “master”). Additionally, Glazier was the first real millionaire I had ever met.

Unfortunately, approximately six months into working for MGK, certain business decisions lead to Glazier selling his schools to TSK. Now, the way TSK operates, everyone who works for the TSK organization is a student of the TSK organization – even the instructors.

There were quite a few people who lost their jobs in this little transition; however, Kyam, myself, and a couple of other Program Directors were kept on by way of Shihan Glazier’s personal recommendation. Kyam was the only non-Program Director kept on; however, over the course of about three months we both wound up quitting. We felt no loyalty to TSK, and they looked down on us like they were somehow better than us as people because their organization bought out ours.

Despite our personal individual reasons for leaving TSK, we both shared that point of view. Me ... I went back into doing security work in my hopes of it somehow leading towards my career in Law Enforcement. Kyam got a job managing a Quick Chek store. Since I had gone back to working retail, I figured I was working crazy hours, but being that Quick Chek stores are open 24 hours a day, Kyam was working really crazy hours! However, he was also looking for something better and eventually found it.

Kyam got himself a job as an Admissions Representative for a business school. The job came easy to him because it was basically what I had been training him to do as a Program Director for MGK. Going into his new position, he maintained that six day a week work ethic, and after his divorce, often times put in seven days a week.

After about three or four years of consistently diligent work he got promoted from Admissions Representative to Assistant Director of Admissions. He became the “go-to” guy because of all of the time he had put in and all of the knowledge he acquired. He began getting bonuses every year and even once got an all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii, where he rubbed elbows with a lot of top-level executives within the school’s corporate structure.

About a year after that trip to Hawaii, he was offered a promotion from Assistant Director of Admissions to full Director of Admissions. The only catch was that the job was at the organization’s school in Landover, Maryland. Within a couple of months, I lost my wingman. However, I could not have been more proud of my friend, my brother! As I write these lines, he’s been out there just around 5 years.  About two months after he got settled, he called me up one Sunday afternoon and sounded like someone had just died. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me he was considering moving back to New Jersey.

When I asked him what was the cause for this decision after all he had accomplished, he told me that the team he was promoted to lead “was just too laid back.” As a matter of fact the entire community where he lived was very much laid back – at least in comparison to how we hustle in the New Jersey, New York, Connecticut – tri-state area.

During our conversation, he introduced me to a phrase/acronym I had never heard of before. He said, “These (expletive)’s got a bad case of W.I.I.F.M.” (pronounced “wiff-em”). When I asked him what that meant he translated the acronym as “What’s in it for me?” He told me that his team cared more about how they were going to be rewarded for achieving their admission goals, as opposed to just achieving those goals because it was their job to do so. Apparently, their paycheck wasn’t good enough. They wanted incentives and rewards up front in order for them to produce, and because he never worked that way; because that was never a part of his work ethic; it was really stressing him out.

The first thing I suggested to him was to better understand why he was promoted and brought there in the first place. I said to him, “You were not promoted so that you could go to Maryland and continue to work 27 hours a day/8 days a week. Those executives put you there so that you could instill that same work ethic in your team and thus multiply the productivity you created that initially caught their attention.” I reminded him that as a leader, even though it’s his responsibility to lead by example, his team must follow that example. As for that whole “W.I.I.F.M.” thing, I suggested that he give his team a choice ... “a paycheck or a pink-slip.”

You see, that’s the problem with a great many members of society today. “What’s in it for me?” ... “What do I get out of it?” Bonuses are not to be considered as an automatic compensation. Bonuses are rewards for exceeding your goals. The problem these days is people want to be acknowledged and or rewarded just for doing what’s expected of them, and this is a very unproductive way of thinking.

Should a child be rewarded for getting one “A” on one test, or for getting straight “A’s for the entire marking period? In my opinion, perhaps he or she has earned a night or two off from doing dishes or taking out the garbage, but nothing too fantastic or extravagant. Why? A child is supposed to get good grades in school. After all, what’s more important, that children earn a letter grade or actually learn something from having put in the work required of them by studying?

Now, if that same child were to maintain a stellar grade point average over the course of the entire school year, I would then say that child earned something special – say the honor of choosing where the family goes for a summer vacation, just for an example.

Kyam has gone to work every day and done what was required of him ... and then some. He put in the time necessary ... and then some – to achieve his assigned goals. As a result, his rewards came in the form of accolades, all-expense paid trips, and a promotion. He got what he deserved. A couple weeks after he and I had that conversation, he informed me that a couple of people on his team wound up getting that pink-slip instead of their paychecks!

I think by now you are fully aware that you are on a journey, however, if you are truly on a journey of success, then you have to develop a work ethic similar to (but not necessarily as extreme as) Kyam’s work ethic. Do your job. Do what is required of you first and foremost.

However, if you want to have more, or in some way be specially rewarded, then you are going to have to do more than what is required of you! Rewards and bonuses are things that you earn – not things you are entitled to. The harder and smarter he worked, Kyam never got more than he deserved; he always got more of what he deserved.

One thing is constant for the majority of the American workforce: people who get paid just enough to keep them from quitting work just hard enough to keep from getting fired. Those who are committed to succeeding work harder than the average person. They don’t necessarily need to see the light at the end of the tunnel (the bonus or the raise) – they just know and or have faith that it’s there. They know and or have faith that the harder they plug away; the further they go beyond what’s expected of them, not only do they get closer to that light at the end of the tunnel ... that light starts coming towards them!

The universe always maintains its balance and keeps its own time, so one thing is always certain; what I call a “universal constant,” and that is you will always get what you deserve. Those who live their lives by that “W.I.I.F.M.” principle will be the ones not likely to like what they get.

As fate would have it, in the summer of 2012, his school was closed and while those other people that worked for him were left in the wind, he wound up getting scooped up by another school.

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Motivators need & have motivators and coaches need & have coaches. I have mine, do you have yours?

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I specialize in getting people "unstuck" by getting them to articulate exactly where they want to be, acknowledging exactly where they are, as well as learning and drawing strength from where they have been. However, I do not succeed unless and until my clients begin seeing the changes they want; and for me, failure is not an option. Having said that, I must inform you that getting to where you see those changes is not an easy process.

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Dealing with Disagreeable People ©

It's almost 5am and instead of being deep in slumber, I am deep in thought. So this is me exorcising a little mental demon.

I'm not always right. I'm not always wrong. I speak my mind in my space, not in anyone else's. But I'm really curious as to why is it so important to some people that I care if they disagree with me if they're only disagreeing for the sake of being disagreeable?

Them: You're wrong.
Me: Can you prove me wrong?
Them: I disagree with what you said.
Me: That doesn't make me wrong, but I accept that you disagree.
Them: I can't talk to you.
Me: Because you disagree, or because I can accept that you disagree without changing my position?
Them: You only want to talk to people who agree with you.
Me: Not necessarily, but how does your disagreement benefit either of us? Why not just acknowledge that what I said doesn't work for YOU and keep it moving?
Them: You never listen.
Me: Interesting ... I disagree. Here's a question, if you disagree with me so much, why do you pay me any attention at all?
Them: .....

There are a good 4 or 5 people I have this kind of conversation with several times a year. I don't speak to everyone. I speak to those who are willing to receive what I have to say. If some people are not receptive to it, then it wasn't for them to receive. I just find it amusing that people get upset if I say something they don't get or want to accept. It's like they've come to see me do something for them that I didn't deliver. The only thing is ... They CHOOSE to be in a space where they receive my commentary.

Therefore, I have decided to post my thoughts & beliefs here from now on. Anyone reading HERE has made a conscious effort to be here and thus must assume accountability for their own discomfort or disagreement and can take that yoke and put it back around their own necks.

Ahhh ... I feel so much better now ... Good Night/Morning.

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